Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Untold Feeling
by Kintaro Oe
Summary: Is there anything else you can do than run away, Shinji?


Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Untold Feeling  
A Short Story  
  
  
"Ha! You lost Ikari! Now it's your turn to buy us drink!"  
  
It was Toji's voice. I could see the delight in his eyes after defeating  
me. I cursed myself, why I always lost in every challenge he made. Damn!  
Why should it always be like this? I guess I have no other choice now, I  
have to do it. If not, he will torture me even more. I know I'll regret it  
soon, and I'm sure about it.  
  
"All right, you win. Do it as you like." I said to him. He laughed  
victoriously, then called a waiter nearby. He whispered something to the  
waiter, I couldn't hear what he said, but I'm sure he planned something on me.  
  
"Come on Shinji, just relax, it's just a game. Besides, you agreed already.  
It's too late to turn back, Ikari-kun." Kensuke said while giggling on me.  
I turned my head, looking at the others. I saw Hikari, smiled at me. She's  
whispering something to Toji. I'm sure it's some kind of murderous plan, as  
I could see Toji's grin. I know that grin, an evil grin. He always wears it  
when he has some evil thing in mind for me. I think I'm dead now. There's  
no way to escape from this hell-born couple, plus with Kensuke on their  
side. I think I already regret this. I glanced at Rei, seeing her sitting  
serenely. She looked like she was never bothered at all. She just smiled at  
me, still in silence; no word came from her tiny mouth.  
  
Soon, my judgment day arrived. The waiter came with a pitcher of beer! He  
can't be serious! He really wants to kill me! I can't do it, I'll collapse  
within just a few sips. I cannot stand beer. Misato once tried to force me  
to drink a can of Yebisu, and it cost me a full day of sleep without any  
trace of memory of what I did in the last 24 hours. And now, they'll force  
me to drink that? I know it. They really want to trap me this time. I  
shouldn't accept their challenge if I knew this. It was too late, now  
Hikari just poured a glassful for me to drink. What should I do? I really  
don't like to do this.  
  
"What's up, Ikari-kun? You're chicken out already?"  
  
Toji started to tease me again. They laughed at me. I glanced to Rei, saw  
her smiled again. I don't know what her smile means. I starred at her. She  
kept smiling, but what she did next, I was never expected. She pushed the  
glass close to me. She wants me to drink? What?! Ayanami is involved in  
this game? I can't believe this!  
  
"Come on, Shinji, finished it!"  
  
Toji asked me, no, commanded me. I saw him ready to finish his glass in one  
single gulp. I just starred at the glass, slowly grabbed it. I really want  
to leave now, but my mind preach me with "I mustn't run away... I mustn't run  
away..." repeatedly. I think I have no way to avoid this, just hoping this  
won't be so bad.  
  
"OK." I said. I saw Toji, Kensuke and Hikari grinned widely, then they  
started to drink. I force myself to do this. I took a couple gulps and  
stopped after finishing half of the glass. I glanced again to Rei, seeing  
her drinking slowly.  
  
"Shinji, finish it!"  
  
Hikari commanded me. I have no choice than to obey her. I finished my glass  
and took a deep breath. I think I already feel dizzy right now.  
  
"Another glass!" Toji exclaimed while filling in my glass. "Once more,  
Shinji!" he said, then poured anyone else's glass. I have no choice other  
than follow him. I drank my glass until it empty. I can feel my head is  
heavy now. The other thing I noticed that I feel my body became light. I  
looked at everyone and I saw them looking at me, grinning. I feel my  
stomach burned. Oh shit, I think I'm drunk now.  
  
I looked at Rei, seeing her grinning also. I can't believe this, now she's  
the part of the conspiracy. I think she enjoys seeing me like this.  
  
"Hey Shinji, are you happy now?" Hikari asked me. I just nodded and smiled  
to her. Hey, why did I smile? I don't see any reason for me to smile. Oh  
shit! I know I'm drunk now.  
  
"May I know why are you happy?" she continued.  
  
What should I answer? I'm happy indeed. Because of what? I turned my head  
facing Rei. I gave her a smile, then back to Hikari.  
  
"Maybe because of her." I said, pointing at Rei. I could hear joyful cheers  
came from Toji and Kensuke. What have I done? I just gave them a show!  
  
"So, Shinji, who's the person you hate the most?" she continued asking me.  
I looked at her in disgust. I hate this. Why she has to bring up this  
thing. I crossed my arms on the table and laid my head on it, while  
answering her question.  
  
"Gendo." I said coldly. "Who's Gendo?" I could hear Toji asked. "It's Gendo  
Ikari, Commander of NERV." Kensuke answer it for me. I'm glad he did this,  
because I really don't want to talk about it. I hate NERV. They're just a  
bunch of asshole who just using me for their purpose. I'm glad I could  
break myself free from them, although I still have obsession that someday  
UN will crush them for their crimes.  
  
"Well, Shinji, do you like her?" Hikari keep questioning me, while  
embracing Rei. I glanced at them, seeing Rei smiling. I know she's nervous  
as I am. Damn Hikari! Why should she ask that question? I couldn't avoid  
her, I just nodded then.  
  
"So, what do you like from her?"  
  
Oh shit! Why the question becomes more difficult? I really don't want to  
answer that, but I think I have no control over my mouth anymore.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
That's what I said. They frowned and glared at me.  
  
"You don't know why you like her?" This came from Toji. "Are you really  
like her or what?" Hikari added. Oh no! I think I just dug my own grave.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Stupid answer! I cursed my self.  
  
"Why you don't know? You should know why you like her. Maybe because she's  
  
  
pretty, or because of her personality, or whatever. You should know it!"  
Hikari shot her machine gun on me.  
  
"I really don't know..."  
  
Another stupid answer from me. Actually I just don't know how to say it. I  
really have no word to describe my feeling. I know feelings are emotion.  
Emotion is not logic. And illogical things sometime cannot be explained by  
words.  
  
"You don't know it? Oh, thank you very much."  
  
This stunned me. It came from Rei! I never imagine she could say things  
like that. Now she hates me. Oh shit! I'm dead. I just starred at her,  
trying to guess what in her mind. I couldn't recognize her expression. I  
don't even know whether she's serious or just joking. I cannot think. I  
think my body's shaking.  
  
"Good job Shinji, now you hurt her." Hikari glared at me.  
  
"No, not like that. I mean, I like her because she is, because of her, not  
a part of her. See, if you like a part of someone, then when the part was  
gone, what you have left? Do you still love him?" I asked Hikari back.  
  
"Well, if one part is gone, there's always another part that you will like.  
It still can make you love her." She replied.  
  
"But... but..."  
  
I was about to say what I was thinking. Imagine a jigsaw puzzle. If we take  
one single piece and asked what thing pictured in it, certainly we cannot  
answer that. But, if we assembled the whole pieces, it's very easy to tell  
what picture on it. I think it's the same as my feeling. I like her because  
the whole pictures, the whole her, all of her, not any piece of her, but  
all the pieces of her.  
  
"Come on, let's change topic!"  
  
Toji cut me off. I don't know if I should thank him or kick him. One side  
he has just pulled me out from an argument that I couldn't win, but the  
other side he block my chance to explain this to Rei. I don't know what the  
effect of this, good or bad, I cannot think anymore.  
  
"So Shinji, Rei is going to Second Branch next week, what do you plan to do  
while she's still here?"  
  
It's now Toji's turn interrogating me. His question has turned wheels in my  
brain. Second Branch? Nevada? It's far away from he. I remember she's  
transferred there as instructor, when NERV started to recruit new pilot for  
their mass-production EVAs.  
  
"I don't know, I have no plan."  
  
Again, my another stupid answer.  
  
"How could you have no plan?"  
  
I think it was Kensuke's turn asking me.  
  
"I don't know, really. What can I expect within 6 days?"  
  
"Well, if you really serious, I think 6 days are enough for you to have a  
plan" he continued. Oh shit! This could lead us into misunderstanding. I  
couldn't dare to see Rei, I can't stand to see disappointment in her eyes.  
I really don't know what to say. I know I've already messed up everything.  
  
Actually, I completely aware why I have no plan. She's leaving, and I don't  
know when she'll come back. She doesn't even know whether she's going to  
settle down there or return here. It's an uncertain condition, I'd caught  
into ambiguous situation if I make something. If I ever made up something,  
we'll end up with long distance. I've tried before with Asuka when she  
returned to Germany. It was failed. I know I couldn't sustain long distance  
relationship. Furthermore, in this case, there's no guarantee she will be  
back. In other word, I'm put a high stake bet on this.  
  
Still, it wasn't good to win the argument. I don't want to explain this  
reason because I don't' want to hurt her. She could be hurt if she heard  
that, but I think she's already hurt with my no explanation response.  
  
Then, something struck my mind. I leaned closer to Rei, gestured to called  
her closer to me, and I whispered to her, "I'd like to apologize..."  
  
"What for?" she asked.  
  
"For this..." I said, then moved my lips to her cheek, trying to kiss her.  
Unfortunately I was too drunk so my movement wasn't properly aimed. I  
failed. I leaned back to my seat, facing up and closed my eyes. Damn! How  
could I miss it? I didn't dare to look at everyone, I think they're busy  
enjoying the show I've just gave them or still trying to recover from their  
shock.  
  
My head became heavier after this. I couldn't remember what they asked me  
after that. I only remember that one of them asked my when did I start to  
have feeling on her. Again, thanks to my idiot nature, I point at Kensuke  
and said, "Asked him, he knows everything." It could give impression to  
everyone that I told Kensuke everything I know, even though I only told him  
only a tiny piece of it. Damn! Now I've initiated Third Impact!  
  
Rest of it was blurred. I remember I mentioned about sending Rei flower  
twice, once during a Valentine's Day, the other on her last birthday. I  
mentioned what I wrote in the card. It was a three simple word: "Happy  
Birthday, Dear..." I dared myself to ask her how she knew it was me, she said  
that nobody called her "Dear" except me. I knew it already, maybe question  
is just demonstrating of my ego to everyone.  
  
Then it was completely blank. I didn't remember anything, I don't even  
remember how I get home. I woke up in my room, still feeling dizzy. The  
alcohol probably still influences my consciousness. I looked at my arm, it  
was red, probably because of allergic effect. I knew I was drunk last  
night, and I knew something has happened, but I don't have any trace of  
memory about it.  
  
"There you are, you little drunker. How do you feel?"  
  
It was Misato, my guardian. She's standing near my room's door, arms  
folded. She starred at me deeply, not with angry stare, but look like a  
worried stare.  
  
"I feel terrible." I said.  
  
"Off course you do. You're so drunk last night."  
  
"How could I get here?"  
  
"Kensuke dragged you up. You really looked awful that time. You're laughing  
at everything without any reason. So, I gave you cup of coffee to  
neutralize the alcohol effect."  
  
"Me? Drink coffee?"  
  
I was surprised. I've never drink coffee for the whole of my life. I hate  
coffee. I even couldn't stand it smell. I never thought that I gonna drink  
it, but I did it last night.  
  
"You'd better rest. Remember, next time if I see you drunk again, I'll make  
your life miserable!" she said while leaving my room. I sat on my bed,  
trying to remember anything. I don't remember anything, but I have strong  
feeling that I made fatal mistake last night.  
  
Few hours later, I walked to GeoFront and meet Rei there.  
  
"Ayanami..." I greeted her.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Her voice! This is what I'm afraid of. I can see something different from  
her. She's changed. She's not the usual Rei I know. She starred at me with  
deep piercing eyes, like drilling hole into my skull. She talked with an  
eerie voice, things that I've never heard before. It chilled me out. I just  
keep apologizing, that's the thing I could do. I really don't know what to  
say, I feel that everything was turned against me. She wanted to say  
something, but I cut her off by saying "Don't tell..." I just can't stand to  
hear that she reject me after all that happened. I run away, I run away  
from her.  
  
I returned back home soon. I feel that the world has just ended. Why Third  
Impact doesn't occur now? I feel bad, really bad. I can't thing, my mind is  
still filled with guilty feeling. I've disappointed her. I've hurt her. I  
just proved myself incapable in front of her.  
  
Pain. That's the only thing I feel. It hurts me. I feel guilty to her. I  
really wanted to explain her so she could understand, but I don't think I  
could. I really feel sorry. I know that I've jeopardized everything. I know  
that thing will never be the same anymore. And the only thing I do is just  
run away...  
  
She's going within a few days. I know if I keep seeing her, it would make  
both of us hurt. We could make a bound by that, and it would make us hard  
when separated. I don't know what to do. Part of myself wants to protect me  
from being hurt, but part of my self was longing for her. I'm willing to  
take any chance, no matter how small it is, to make a nice memory with her,  
to enjoy last moment I still have with her. But, I don't think I could have  
it. I couldn't even dare to tell her about my feeling!  
  
Gomennasai, Rei-chan...  
  
I wish I could, I really wished for it, but I think it was too late. Now I  
only have pain left.  
  
I run away, run away from everything, run away from the one I love.  
  
Sayonara Rei-chan, kimi o ai shiteru...  
  
  
  
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